Country Matters by Arrowsmith: Dateline 09.00 Tuesday April 1st 2025

Arrowsmith, Country Matters:

Earlier this year four lynx were found living ‘wild’ in Scotland. Having been released from captivity they were not able to survive, and one died soon after they were captured. Lynx certainly did live wild in Britain but there’s evidence they became extinct at least one and a half millennia ago. Some rewilding enthusiasts argue they should be reintroduced, but it’s clear they could wreak havoc amongst farm livestock (including sheepdogs) and would even endanger humans. 

Reintroducing wild boars has caused problems in the Forest of Dean, feral deer are a nuisance around Cirencester, and otters have interfered with fish stocks in the Abbey lake. Flooding has prompted arguments about re-introducing beavers, and rumours about ‘guerilla’ wilding have provoked anger amongst many farmers and other local residents. Some conservationists argue that extinctions take place as part of the survival of the fittest, which is a factor in maintaining the balance of the ‘natural’ environment. Others claim we’ve unnaturally altered the countryside; however we are ourselves part of the evolution of nature on the planet, and phenomena such as foxes raiding town rubbish bins are our own fault. Back in 1996 Dolly the sheep was cloned, starting the evolution of human ability to interfere with breeding of many animals, including humans. Theoretically we could reintroduce woolly mammoths …  But just because we can doesn’t mean we should.

Arrowsmith has received a worrying email from a resident living close to Fairford, who accidentally stumbled upon a secret breeding programme which could lead to disastrous consequences. The person in question – who stated they want to remain anonymous, and to whom I shall refer as ‘witness A’ – made the discovery trespassing on a wooded private estate to find somewhere he could smoke aromatic herbal tobacco without being disturbed. 

Witness A wrote: “Walking deep into the woods, I was surprised to find a large clearing, where, despite the darkness, I became aware of the presence of several large animals. I could hear their breathing and the cropping of vegetation. I cautiously inched towards the direction from which the noises were coming and used a small LED lamp on my cigarette lighter to shine briefly at the nearest animal. At first glance I thought it was a horse, but on getting a little nearer I saw, pressed against its black-haired flanks, were dark, leathery wings, like those of a huge bat.

I am not exaggerating; I was worried the huge, winged beast might turn on me, so I began to retreat into the trees, but the animal turned its head as if it had seen me.  Flashing my torch towards the creature’s eyes, hoping it might scare it, I saw a large black single horn growing from its forehead. Then, turning its head away, it broke into a gallop and took to the air, joined by others from around the clearing.

I’m convinced I’ve discovered a unicorn stud farm, created using genetic modification. The fact they fly by night and are so black as to be almost invisible must be how nobody’s seen them before – just like the black panthers we keep hearing about roaming the countryside. It also may explain why some nearby residents have found horse manure in their gardens, despite never having put it there themselves. I wouldn’t fancy being beneath them if they do that mid-flight.”

But more worrying is the potential danger of them in the flight path of aircraft from Fairford. That flocks of birds can bring an aircraft down is one thing – but consider the result of a collision between unicorns and a bomb laden B-52. 

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